When I Stopped Being Me - Natalia Yates

Saturday morning, my older sister invited me to participate in a Zumba class with her. If you’re not familiar with the term, “Zumba,” it’s a fitness program that combines Latin and international music with dance moves. In this type of class, you move your body in ways that are not part of everyday life. The day after one of these types of workouts, I often hear self-talk like, “I didn’t know I was working out my bum. Who knew that my lower back was getting a workout? Geez, my thighs hurt.” For me, Zumba can be a creative way to exercise your body and forget you’re working out because it’s simple fun.


I used to regularly attend Zumba classes in 2011, but I haven’t dabbled in it since that time. Saturday, I knew I was a little rusty with the dance steps so I glued my eyes to the instructor’s body movements and turned my body into a mirror – manipulating my body to move just like her. After a few songs I realized, “my body just doesn’t move like hers.” I found myself making excuses for not looking like her: Well I just don’t have meat on my bum so I can’t shake the cha-cha like she can…she has more practice than I do, she’s the instructor…and so forth.


A few songs later, and feeling a little more comfortable moving in a “Latin” way, I decided to look myself straight in the mirror as I was doing the steps. I congratulated myself for coming to the class and for doing all of the steps that I could do-today. I acknowledged that I was comfortable making mistakes in class and could still have just as much fun doing them and receive the workout I needed today. I looked closer at the moves I was doing and realized I looked a bit stiff as I was doing them – especially in the torso; my arms and legs were doing all of the moves, but almost “soldier-like,” with no dynamics or flux in emotions. In other words – I was shades of grey with no color or contrast of black and white. “Why?” I wondered. I decided to figuratively look deeper into the symbolism of what my physical actions were telling me. After a few minutes, I realized I was going through the motions, but not the “emotions.” I wasn’t dancing for me; I was dancing to “check the box” or convince myself that “I did it: you exercised.” I thought to myself, “That’s silly.” I continued to dance…the next song that played was a little slower and the motions were easy to convert to memory. I decided to perform an experiment: I’m going to “go all out.” I’m going to make creases and curves in my torso, I’m going to extend my arms as far as they’ll reach. I’m going to move to the way I feel the music, with my own flare. I’m going to move how my body wants to move. The instructor has her flavor and I’m going to enjoy mine.


What happened? I let go. I quit judging if I was doing the movements right or wrong. I released, lived and enjoyed each musical moment and contributed my unique creative energy to the room in the way that I felt them. I opened up to finding myself and losing myself simultaneously. All I had to do is let go of the templates that weren’t serving me well and resonate with the raw woman I am inside, my better and ever-expanding self. The part of me that so desperately desires to expand my unique light.


When the song was over, I was sweating and breathing heavily. I stopped to realize I had a smile on my face. I said to myself, “I enjoy this; I’m happy! Weird.” I had awakened a healthy appetite; I craved to do more. I continued to move in unique ways throughout the class, shaking my “lean-meated bum” in my Natalia way, releasing whatever emotions were trapped there and likewise opened or released trapped emotions in other parts of my body. I enjoyed the remainder of the class movement-to-movement and finished feeling satisfied. I told the instructor at the conclusion, “I really got into it today. I noticed that when I shook my head I said to myself, ‘yep that’s the spot.’”


Saturday afternoon I looked even deeper to the dance experience I had that morning. I asked myself the question, “When did you stop dancing, really dancing for you?” I answered, “When I decided that it wasn’t productive and that my worth comes from getting things done.” “Natalia, you used to do these types of activities because they bring balance to your life, release emotional, physical and spiritual toxins and it’s just plain fun to move like that. It’s part of your nature of lightness, gladness and happiness.”


I then asked, “When did you stop being your true, authentic self?” Answer: “When I allowed others’ opinions and perceptions dictate what an ideal woman should or shouldn’t be.” And what are those false-self perceptions that aren’t serving you well?


A grown-up refined woman is emotionally disciplined when she doesn’t express her emotions in public. Dance is for youth and teenagers. You are only of worth by what and how much you accomplish.


I have released those old perceptions with: A grown-up, refined woman is emotionally disciplined when she is equally open to the input of her emotional mind as well as her logical mind. She is disciplined because she channels each of the emotions healthily and appropriately. Dance is for all ages. You have always been worthy. Dance accomplishes all areas of health and is productive.


Oh wow…when you write it down it really helps you see the perception clearly. No wonder I feel like I’ve been living in a black and white movie for quite some time. I have felt like Dorothy, in the Wizard of Oz – the beginning portion of the movie before she visits Oz. I haven’t been living in color and experiencing life fully with my whole self. I’ve felt disconnected from my authentic self. I haven’t been true to the woman I am, the woman I am here to be. I am trying to be the ideal woman that my physical father and husband describe. Interesting…Their perceptions may be right for them, but completely wrong for me. I’ve checked in with the most important role-model that knows me the best (my maker) and He wants me to continue to grow into my perfect authentic self, accepting and loving the woman I am today and be happy for where I’ve been and where I still need to go; enjoying life each dance move to the next. I am right on time for my experience. He is my dance partner, my bridegroom. I’m not sure if Zumba is His dance of choice, but I know He smiles with me when I need a good emotional shake here and there.


When you’re asked, “who are you?” What is your answer? “I’m a mom,” “I’m a lawyer.” “I live in Oregon.” Often the answer is not who you are, but what you do or how you see your function in life. You can’t answer who you are, because maybe you don’t know or remember. The authentic self is the “you” that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not defined by your job or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do. When you’re not living faithfully to your authentic self, you find yourself feeling incomplete, as if there is a hold in your soul. You may have found that it’s easier to fill the roles your family and friends expect of you, rather than becoming who you really want to be. Living this way drains you of the critical life energy you need to pursue the things you truly value. When you live a life that has you ignoring your true gifts and talents while performing assigned or inherited roles instead, you are living as your fictional self. The fictional self sends you false information about who you are and what you should be doing with your life. It blocks the information you need in order to maintain the connection with your authentic identity. Relying on information from the fictional self means you’re putting your trust in a broken compass.


It would be too easy to blame my father or husband for these false-perceptions. I am not a victim to their perceptions. They are merely the vehicle in which I chose to deliver the message to myself. I need to take responsibility. I take full responsibility for the life I’ve created for myself. I hold the reins. I need to trust my inner voice and listen less to the outer voices telling me what I should or shouldn’t be, what I should or shouldn’t do. I no longer try to justify and rationalize my most heartfelt desires. Denying them is denying me.


No one needs to understand why you want what you want. You don’t always have to understand it yourself. Just trust it, and trust yourself to manifest it. The reason you don’t already have what you want is crazy simple. You don’t love yourself enough to deeply believe that you are worthy of all your heart’s desires. You might even believe on a conscious level, that you do deserve or are worthy a certain thing, but I promise you that if you were fully, wholly believing you are worthy of it – even in the cobwebby corners of your unconscious belief system – it would already be in your life. (While considering and respecting the perfect timing and Will of the Master Creator of our Universe)


I dare you to take responsibility. Own every last drop of everything you’ve created. Stop tolerating because tolerating is slow emotional suicide. Release and let go. Step out of the spin cycle; living your life on autopilot creating and/or controlling the same situation for yourself over and over again in unhealthy spirals. Recognize false-perceptions and beliefs, recreate them and create your much-needed paradigm shift. Dream loudly and live passionately.






“You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha


“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.” -Judy Garland


“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh


“When you are truly comfortable in your own skin. Not everyone will like you, but you won’t care one bit about it.


Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you.” ~Dr. Suess


You were created in God’s image. God makes no mistakes. To put yourself down for the way you are is to insult God’s handiwork. You are beautiful.


There is only one you and that makes you valuable.


A tiger doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

"Pondering Past, Present, and Our Future Selves"

*I remember staring up at the full moon, it’s light engulfed me in a hazy warmth. It was autumn and the bright red and yellow leaves had begun to fall to the ground. They crunched beneath my feet and I paused to just breath it all in. My eye’s were closed as I stood under the umbrella of night. I felt so small but I also felt the overwhelming feeling that I was right where I should be. The crisp night air filled my lungs with fulfillment and sent me into a cradle of knowing. I knew more than anything in that moment how small I was, and how big the world was. I knew how strong I was, and also how weak. I knew so much about life in that moment.  But most of all I knew without a doubt that everything was as it should be and that I was fully embraced in the present moment.

*Fast-forward a few years and under a still full moon standing as large as the ocean that spanned before me, it embraced me again. This time, I was at the edge of the world, in a land far from home. I had come on this journey knowing that it would be hard and that I would need to stand strong even when I felt like I could crumble. I knew the path I walked was holy ground. I was helping children and families in one of the poorest nations in the world and I wept often at disparages I saw, the heartache was real.

And this time, under that moon that threatened to swallow the whole ocean, I was brought back to the echo of my past life, the one where I had knelt at the feet of my Heavenly Father and Mother and listened to their counsel and wisdom, and basked in their light and love. I had promised I would return having completed my mission and my quest. Like this short journey I now found myself on, I knew when leaving their presence and taking up my body that I would be called on to act, to choose, to stand strong for myself and others. I knew the path I would walk could be made holy ground if I took Christ’s offering and let it sanctify me. I would suffer heartache, but with that great risk, or perhaps guarantee, I was also guaranteed that I could have joy, and peace and love and light. I could have all that the Father has, if I would remain faithful. (“And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father’s kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him.” D&C 84:33-38).

I knew that with Christ as my savior, with Heavenly parents who love and nuture me I could do anything. I had immense trust and faith and dedication, like we all had as we left our heavenly home.

*And now, in this season of my life and as I rock my son in the midnight hours, I sit under that full moon again. It has found me once more and it’s pale light is slipping through his curtained window. I am holding my baby’s hand. His chubby fingers are wrapped around mine and my mind looks to the future: What does my future hold for me, or for him. I think of those times before when I pondered on who I AM, who I am meant to become and who my son really is and who he is meant to become. The majesty of it all often time overcomes me and I am taken away by the beauty of what this life can offer.

So often we forget who we are in this life. We get caught up in the mundane day to day and forget to see the glory of it all. (yes, sometimes, even the glory of the mundane). We forget our passion, our mission, and so we forget our identity.  Who we were and who we still are buried deep down inside. That knowing part of us. The part of us that doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone, that doesn’t second guess themselves. That part of us that knows who we are (past, present and potential future) and why we are here and where we are going. That part that has full confidence to move forward and not look back. That part that committed to this journey and to staying strong and following through with the plan, (our mission specific to us and the Plan of Salvation)

It’s important to do all we can to know who we are, who we were and who we have yet to become in the next life. It’s important to seek Him who sent you. To know that you were created for a purpose, and you have immense potential. We have the power to become like God himself.  3 Nephi 28:10 “And now for this cause ye shall have fullness of joy; and ye shall sit down in the kingdom of my Father; yea, your joy shall be full, even as the Father hath given me fullness of joy; and ye shall be even as I am, and I am even as the Father; and he Father and I are one;”.

Now looking back I know that girl pondering who she was in the present and in the past had a long way to go to get to where I am today. And with that knowledge I am not ignorant to know that I have yet a far way to go still to reach my future. But I take heart in knowing that I am making progress, even if at times it’s at a snails pace. I am moving forward and in that forward motion I am coming closer to who I am and who I’ve always been and closer to my potential of who I was made to be. At the beginning of my healing journey, I stalled for a long time doing the hard work of really changing myself because I would argue how long it will take to actually see progress. But all of that time will pass any way, and I will still have to face that changes must be made.

One of the best ways that I have found to wake up to the truth of who I really am, is to say yes to something that really scares me. No I am not talking about doing something that is outside of God’s law, or even something that puts me in danger. I am talking about the times when you think to yourself- “oh I could never do that”, or “I’m too scared to try it”. Like when someone in your ward finds out you like to sing and asks you to perform a solo in Sacrament meeting. Or even when you feel that sinking feeling because you know you need to get up in front of the congregation and bare your testimony. When you feel like you should go talk to someone, or that you should sign up for that 5k. Little or big, if it’s putting you outside your comfort zone you are waking up to who you are, and closer on the path of finding yourself.

When you have those feelings of doubt and fear, don’t turn and hide, feel your feelings and act anyway. As you start consistently showing up in life to the challenges that speak to you, life and the truth of who you are and the mission you are on will show up too. It is a universal truth just as Jesus taught “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you” (Matthew 7:7)

Remember who you are! You are a child of the Most High! You were made for glory. You have endless potential. Stand strong and fulfill the measure of your creation. Live up to the standard of who you really are. Try to keep the correct perspective, the eternal perspective, to see the truth of who you really are and were and who you have yet to be. As you continue to ask in prayer, seek, and knock, you will find the glorious creation God made you to be and you will find joy and understanding in this life. You will be blessed and bless those around you.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

- Marianne Williamson

Let the moon find you small and vulnerable, and strong and mighty. Breathe in the night air and SAY YES to who you are.

An Introduction and some musings

This week I have been feeling like I need to write on humility, but what I want to write isn't flowing so I guess I will write about why Pioneer Day became my favorite holiday in 2001 and hopefully what needs to be shared in this post will come forth. But as a bit of forewarning, if you are familiar with Carol Tuttle's Energy Profiling, I am a Type 1 so this post may seem a bit random. :D

Thirteen years ago today I checked my Ricks College/BYU-Idaho student e-mail account after reading the most recent letter from my "missionary" that quite frankly depressed me. So in order to distract myself on Pioneer Day 2001 in a suburb of Seattle all by myself, I saw an e-mail that literally changed my life and my eternity.

A month earlier I had received personal revelation that Heavenly Father wanted me to serve a full-time mission. I KNEW it was what I was supposed to do. I assumed that my "missionary", who had been out for a year at that point, would be supportive of my decision to serve a mission. I had enthusiastically written him the day I received my personal revelation. Because he was serving in Mexico, it took a while for his reply to reach my parents' home in Idaho and then a few more days for it to forward to me in Seattle, where I was working at my summer internship and living with my mom's best friend. When I got home from work that day I got the mail and saw the letter from my missionary. I excitedly opened it and began reading it. My excitement waned as I read something along the lines of, "I think you should wait until I get home so we can make the decision of you serving a mission together." To say I was slightly disappointed is an understatement.

Now that I understand Energy Profiling as taught by Carol Tuttle, I can see that my enthusiastic Type 1 self just wanted my missionary to be excited for me! And that is not what I received. So in my dejected state I decided to login to my newly created BYU-Idaho student e-mail account and go through my BYUI campus e-mails, because no one ever wrote me to my college e-mail account.

Imagine how perplexed I was when I saw an e-mail sitting in my account from someone named "Marc Russell". Who was "Marc"? None of the Marks I knew spelled their name with a "c".

I finally decided to open the e-mail and read the e-mail.

7/12/2001 Hi! How are you doing? I hope this is the Yvonne Withers that's from Idaho Falls ID. I'm pretty sure that you probably don't know me; but I've heard of you. From a New Era article, and I've been trying to find contact information on you and finally was able to get addresses for the students at Ricks. I myself went to BYU and tried searching there many times; but now I'm off to serve a mission in a few weeks in Salt Lake City Spanish speaking. And I decided that even though you don't know me I might as well start writing and whatever I have to say will eventually come out. But at first I would like to say thank you. By now you're probably thinking that this is sort of strange and kind of like you're famous and you could say I'm your first Fan mail. Well as your fan then I'd like you to know that you've helped me out. It's been a while now.... like 2 years or so, but your words came at the right time. (I doubt you even remember what you said) but it was about 'trials' and you said "We are getting close to the Second Coming, so Satan is working harder than ever to tempt us. But not to worry. Why do you think Heavenly Father waited until now to send us to this earth? He knew we were up to the challenge." Right now I can't remember what was troubling me, but I remember reading all of the 'comments' over and over and the end of yours just caught me at a different angle. It's always been hard for me to remain firm between my 'school friends' who drink and smoke and such, and my LDS friends that I had. But it was almost harder for me to remain strong around my LDS friends than my School friends; because my school friends ended up respecting me for standing up for things, while it seemed that my LDS friends ended up critisizing me instead. I've always noticed huge problems with the LDS youth. And truthfully that's why I never liked Utah and the people I knew that lived there. Because among the school while I had 5% LDS they had over 60% and it seemed like the Utah schools were as bad as mine were or worse because people found it hard to stand 'straighter' while everyone justified what 'could' do. And it seems like me being sent to Salt Lake is a way to allow me to respect the members more and what the 'true' way of life is like there. I'm sure you've never had a letter like this ramble on for so long without even knowing the person. Well don't worry I'll wrap it up. You may not check this email and if that's the case I may send you my mission address right before I leave and if you feel like it you could just respond or whatever. It would at least be nice to know that you've actually received this and know that you've touched my life and I'm glad that I can get the opportunity to thank those that touch my life in some way or another. If there's anything you can think of, that I can do let me know. I love music.... playing the piano, and especially singing, sports, and am on the BYU racquetball team. Oh I live in Oregon by the way, I don't know how to describe myself so I won't, just your usual dude, who loves having a blast, while trying to keep people in 'track', and was called a 'model' for a while but they said I'd have to wait until after my mission. You may not have any idea how weird it is writing to someone to who I've been trying to find and I am now finally am able to tell them thanks. Well let's end with that. Thanks Yvonne, just know today and forever that you've helped out someone else in need, too bad you had to wait 2 years, but I hope it's worth something to you, even now. Sincerely, Marc Russell

Sitting there dumbfounded that someone would actually write me a "fan mail", this essentially was my thought process after reading that e-mail:

Wow. The words I felt inspired to write into the New Era Question & Answer section back in August 1998 actually DID help someone else! And I feel like I know this Marc even though we've never met. What if he already left for his mission and forgot to send me his mission address? Then I won't be able to tell him I read his e-mail and I understand him.

So I wrote him back that night. A pretty long e-mail.

Here's the kicker..... remember reading that he lived in Oregon? Turns out he is from the Portland area. I was living in the Seattle area. That's like 2 hours away from each other, or driving from Idaho Falls to West Yellowstone. The next day when I received his 2nd e-mail, I discovered that he had been at the Six Flags Water Park in Tacoma the day I finally checked my e-mail and wrote him back. So when he got home that night and saw my e-mail he stayed up and wrote me back. He was leaving for the Provo MTC in exactly a week.

That week flew by and everyday I looked forward to coming home from work and reading his e-mail and writing him back. He was someone who understood me. I didn't have to explain or defend myself. I could just be me. Most importantly, he DID return the favor and helped me that week by validating what personal revelation is, it is direct communication from God to the recipient and as he pointed out in a later e-mail that week when I was bemoaning how unsupportive my "missionary" was about me serving a mission he simply said, "That's the thing that most people don't understand about personal revelation, it is PERSONAL and between you and God. No one else needs to get involved in your personal revelation."

For a girl who had been seeking approval and outside validation from her parents, teachers and three older siblings her entire life - it was very affirming to have someone else validate my personal revelation without having to defend or show evidences or back up my statements. Marc just accepted me as I was.

That first week we realized that we had been best friends in the pre-mortal life. There was no other way to explain the instant spiritual, mental, and emotional connection we had. Throughout this mission Marc would tell his companions and other mission friends that I was his "best friend I haven't met" and they didn't get it. I did though, and I was SO thankful that Heavenly Father did help me connect with my best friend from before so that we could be a support and a strength to each other throughout out missions.

We wrote for just over three years before we met in person on 26 August 2004. The day after we met we attended an endowment session in the Salt Lake Temple and then afterwards went to the sealing office to make an appointment for our sealing on 27 November, exactly three months later. I'm currently expecting our fourth child who will make her arrival mid-September and we will celebrate our ten year anniversary this Thanksgiving. I have been so thankful for the journey I've been on over the past 13 years since I first read the e-mail from Marc. He is exactly the partner I needed and wanted in this life. He validated me as being someone with worthwhile thoughts and opinions during our three years of writing. He loved me and wanted to marry me before we had ever met in person (that's the other part of our story, we both knew half-way through my mission that we were supposed to marry each other after I returned home). He has cherished me everyday since we finally met in person. But most importantly, he allowed me to remain in my broken state those first few years of our marriage when I was so caught up in my own emotional pain, trauma and drama. He never tried to fix me or the situations I kept finding myself in. He allowed me to feel my emotions without shaming me for them. And most importantly, he has been so supportive of me receiving the assistance I needed in this Earth school so that I could do better, reach higher and begin to honor myself for who I really am, a beloved daughter of God. He continues to be supportive of me as I seek to do the Lord's work here on earth.

There is so much yet to be done as we prepare for the Savior's Second Coming. We are only now beginning to scratch the surface of the momentous work before us. As I was telling Maria the other day, "As more good is created in the world, the law of polarity tells us that there is going to be more evil and darkness in the world."

Referring back to the wise words I received from the Spirit 16 years ago as I was penning my answer to the question in the grey Q&A box, Satan IS working harder than ever to tempt us, to depress us and to thwart us from becoming who we are meant to become BECAUSE we are getting closer to the Second Coming. He doesn't want us to succeed. He doesn't want us to remember who we really are. He doesn't want us to remember how powerful we are and so he lulls us away into carnal security. He instills in us a desire to be apathetic about magnifying our callings or fulfilling the promises in our patriarchal blessings. If he can distract us with mediocrity, then we will simply be one of the many called, but we won't be one of the few who are chosen. "And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;" (Abraham 3: 25)

At the time when I was first starting my healing journey, my mentor Tony Purcell told me, "I am grateful for the darkest points in my life. If I had continued to live a mediocre life, I never would have hit rock bottom and realized that something had to change." I thought it was weird that he was thankful for the times when he was living in his self-centered world, but as I have gone through the process myself, I see now that his words are true. If it wasn't for the darkness, I wouldn't have ever sought to reach up for help from above. I never would have realized how much Light I was missing from my life. I never would have realized that an ordinary person who hadn't committed serious sins still needed the Atonement in my life on a daily basis. I AM so grateful that Marc allowed me to live in my lower self until I was ready to change. I am grateful for the darkness I have experienced in my life because it was the catalyst for me to humbly seek the Savior's healing power in my own life. A regular person like me who hadn't experienced any major trauma in my life and hadn't committed any serious sins or transgressions still needed the Atonement - and I didn't realize that until I realized how broken and sinful I really was. Yes, I am grateful for the darkness I went through, for as Mother Eve said, "Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient." (Moses 5:11)

Allowing Christ to Heal

I am so excited for this blog! How wonderful to have a safe place for LDS women to share and write about their experiences with Christ's healing power through energy work. A place where we can learn from one another, lift each other, and find inspiration. Today as I pondered what I wanted to write for my first post, I felt prompted to share a small part of what I have written for our book that will be released in the next few months. This is a very small portion of what is included but it tells what energy work has done for me in my life. Thanks for letting me share! :-)

I have learned about the Atonement my whole life. I had been taught to turn my burdens over to the Lord. I had read over a dozen talks by apostles and several wonderful books on the Atonement. I had a great respect and love for Christ's atoning sacrifice. However, it wasn't until energy work that I began to understand the smallest glimpse of what the Atonement really is and how I am meant to use it. I never understood the important role it played in every moment of my life. I knew the Atonement would cleanse me from my daily sins, which I knew I desperately need. I also knew it would give me strength that I did not have. I had felt, and experienced first hand, the enabling power of the Atonement. While I thought I understood the Atonement, the truth was I didn't understand it in the least bit. The more I learn the more I realize the depth and power of the Atonement and how much I have yet to learn. As I started doing energy sessions on people, as well as having them done on myself, I realized many of us think we are turning our burdens over to the Lord and the truth is we aren't. We aren't giving the Lord our burdens at all. The truth is, most of the time, we are burying them deep inside as if they never happened.

Elder Patrick Kearon of the Seventy has said, “Complete healing and peace can be found at the feet of the Savior.” Christ has taught us to come unto me with full purpose of heart. Elder Kearon said “Contrast this miraculous healing with what happens “when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride [or] our vain ambition. … The heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved;” and we are left alone “to kick against the pricks … and to fight against God.”

Have many of us LDS members feel as if we are “kicking against the pricks” on a daily basis? So few of us have continual peace and love in our hearts. I have found I wasn't the only one hiding my burdens from the Lord. As I started to work on other people I found this is what most of us do. Many of us have beliefs that we need to be strong, not show emotion, to get over it or need to be in control. The lies of darkness that we believe are sad and only hurt us. If we simply did as our Savior asked and turned to Him we would realize we don't have to bury our pains, sorrows or flaws. Instead we can follow His counsel and allow Him to heal us.

One scripture that I love is Mosiah 24:14, “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs” The Lord is promising us that He will ease our burdens so much that we will not feel them upon our backs. That does not mean the burden is taken away, it just means He helps us let go of the pain and dark emotions that are there and replaces it with peace, love and trust. What a beautiful promise and blessing from the Lord! With a promise such as that the past should not be holding us back or crippling our future. Christ has promised we will not feel them. We can truly be free from all of our past pains and struggles if we turn to Him.

As I pondered and studied Christ's Healing power, I found this quote by Elder Bednar from April 2014 conference. He said,  “I wonder if we fail to fully acknowledge this strengthening aspect of the Atonement in our lives and mistakenly believe we must carry our load all alone—through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline and with our obviously limited capacities.” He then continues, “It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to the earth to die for us. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to enliven us—not only to guide but also to strengthen and HEAL us.” What powerful and true counsel from the apostle of the Lord. He later continued, “Thus, the Savior has suffered not just for our sins and iniquities—but also for our physical pains and anguish, our weaknesses and shortcomings, our fears and frustrations, our disappointments and discouragement, our regrets and remorse, our despair and desperation, the injustices and inequities we experience, and the emotional distresses that beset us.”

Wow. Talk about an all encompassing and amazing gift. If it is that simple then why don't we do it? Because most us don't know how. So instead of giving it to Christ, we bury it deep inside and try to overcome it on our own with sheer will power as Elder Bednar said. But we can't. We need Christ. Many times I have talked to members who are doing all they can to not turn out like their parents. Yet, they can't do it. They find themselves in the same traps their parents did. This does not have to be the case.

The more I pondered this the more the Spirit testified to me it was because we, myself included, are not using the power of the Atonement in all areas of our lives and at all times. Christ has given us the amazing gift of His atoning sacrifice and were aren't using it as He intended it. The Lord has shown me we can, and should, let go of past pains and sorrows. The Atonement is the way to do this. Christ has already done the work. All that is needed now is for us to be willing to turn it over to Him.

Christ tells us when we bring our burdens to Him we will “find rest unto your souls”. Yet so few of us have that rest. Too few of us have peace in our lives that the Lord wants us to have. How often I work with someone and the pains, sorrows and emotions from their past is still having a negative impact on their lives. This is sad! The more I saw that the more the Spirit witnessed to me that it didn't have to be this way. As Isaiah stated concerning the Savior, “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: … And with his stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:4–5). The Savior has already suffered for everything why do we let that suffering go in vain?

If we want to experience true relief and healing in our lives we must follow Elder Kearon's, and many other apostles', counsel to bring ourselves to the feet of the Great Physician, our Savior, Jesus Christ.” He said “We must lay down our sin, vanity, and pride.... We must cease fighting against God and instead give our whole hearts to Him, holding nothing back. Then He can heal us. Then He can cleanse us from the venomous sting of sin.... Our Savior is the Prince of Peace, the Great Healer, the only One who can truly cleanse us from the sting of sin and the poison of pride and change our rebellious hearts into converted, covenant hearts.”

Energy work has given me steps, tools and methods to apply the Atonement in my life. It has brought me closer to my Redeemer. I do not believe you need energy work to use the Atonement but I do believe God has given it as a method to help those who need assistance. These are simply steps to access the Atonement in our life. He could do it without but often we do not let Him.  I have seen the fruits of righteous energy work and I testify that its “fruits are good”. When done righteously, it is of the Lord. A loving Heavenly Father who knew I needed more help and assistance in using the Atonement lead me to energy work and it has changed me for the better. I am still far from perfect but I can't imagine my life without these tools. Had God not lead me to energy work I would still be full of anger, pain, resentment, hurt and lack of faith in God. I am so grateful that I followed the spirit of the Lord and allowed Him to show we how to use the Atonement in my life. How to allow him to Heal and change me. I pray that if you are seeking relief, freedom, hope, support or need the Lord's help that you will follow the Spirit of the Lord. He will heal you. He will comfort you. He will ease your burdens. If you feel guided to energy work I pray this book may open your heart and mind to the power of His healing power. That you may feel the spirit as you read these words from the other wonderful sisters in this book.

Christ's invitation to the Nephites “Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them.” (3 Nephi 17: 7) That stands equally as true for us as it did for the Nephites. The Lord is waiting for us to come to Him to be healed. To open up our hearts. Take down our walls and trust Him. To turn our hearts and souls to Him completely. When we do this we allow Him to heal us. Christ beckons us to come to Him.

If you are feeling drawn to energy work, listen to what the Lord is telling you. Allow Him to lead you on a path that will allow Him to heal you. A righteous path. A path that gives all glory and honor to Him. "He is the light, the life and the hope of the world." Open your heart and mind to the possibility of being healed. As you humbly continue on your path back to Him, He will lead you to your own personal path and journey back to Him. No path is alike. We are all different. We all need healing in our own way. Allow the Lord to be your shepherd and lead you down your path back to Him. 

I pray this book may assist you on your quest to come to Christ and be perfected in Him. The Lord can and will heal you. “Men are that they might have joy.” May the Lord heal you and fill you with peace and joy on your journey back to His presence.

Love your friend,

Paige 

"To Mourn with those that Mourn"

                                    "To Mourn with those that mourn" 

   This has been a real and living part of my life since I started doing energy work.   In the dictionary mourn is: To feel or express grief or sorrow.

   What does the word mourn bring up in you?  Why is mourning such an important part of our lives?  And do we really need to feel mourn?

What does mourning bring up in me?  One of my earlier child stories comes to mind.

   When I was ten my sister, one and a half, was found in our pool.  After two weeks in the hospital she passed.  My one memory I have of that day or actually the whole incident is of my mom.  I have only a glimpse of remembrance but it was us standing outside the hospital in Vegas.  It was so hot, the sun was beating down on us, and my mom was crying.  It was a cry that I will never forget.  It was the deepest heart wrenching cry that rocked me to my soul.  I can remember the pain she was in.  I didn't know what to do but hold the space for her to mourn.  I will never forget that and feel that it has been a key to my love I have had for my mom despite our disagreements and hardships.

    So when I think of mourning, I think of pain.  The kind of pain that only deep love can bring.  The pain that our Savior had when he sacrificed his life for us.  The pain he must have felt as he knelt in Gethsemane.
    "And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."
   He suffered so that I could mourn and be free from the bondage that pain can give.

    My understanding of mourning, came at an early age and was a gift from my mom and her love for her sweet baby girl.  I am in such deep appreciation to her, my Heavenly Father, and my sister Emily in showing me what mourning really is.

Why is this important to my existence?

    My first energy session was with a women I didn't know very well.  I was drawn to her knee.  She had been having a hard time moving forward  I was taken to parts of her life, the painful parts.  The parts that not many in her life were able to see.  The times when her heart was desiring to be free, to have love, and to be healed.  As I saw her pain I couldn't help but cry for her.  To hold her in my heart and experience her pain for that split second.  When I shared what I felt she couldn't hold back her tears.  It was like she was, finally, seen and heard.  She had this peace come over her that she hadn't felt for years.  At that moment I knew that this was a gift from God.  That the path God placed me on was one that I would be fulfilled in.  I felt that I would be fulfilling the scripture I had read countless times from the Prophet Alma "and are willing to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort."  I am heeding that call as I embrace and mourn with each new person I work on. They are released from pain that may have been held in their spirits and bodies for years.  It is God's errand and his work.

   I have been asked many times does seeing others pain create more pain in me?  Do I get drained?  The answer is a HUGE no.  I believe that it is a type of unconditional love that we can't feel any other way.  I believe that it gives me the rights and privileges  God wants to have me accept.  I believe that I know my Savior a portion more by witnessing, with love, the deep pain of another.

   We all mourn.  There is no escaping it.  Our Savior mourned it all.  We have one person who knows all of our pain.  What a blessing to have others that can step in for the Savior and allow us to be heard and seen on this physical plane.

                                       This isn't my burden.  It is my joy. 

   I invite those that are reading to ask yourself in prayer what mourning means to you and if there is a person that God knows is in deep pain and needs to have a companion to mourn with.  If done with the spirit it will be a healing experience for both. 

Patience Is a Virtue

I grew up with the term “patience is a virtue.”

I don’t know where I got it or who told it to me growing up but I remember having this conversation with myself many times. At times when I was offended by someone, or someone made a mistake that I knew I needed to forgive I would tell myself in my head, “Patience is a virtue.”

However, in my pride, whenever I was offended by my self or I made a mistake there was no such conversation in my head. My self-talk went something like this, “What is wrong with me? I am unforgivable. I can’t believe I did that. If anyone knew the truth about me, they would hate me. I hate myself.” There were many more sayings that I repeated in my head over and over and over again, but you get the idea. I was usually willing to give others the benefit of the doubt, but not myself. What self-defeating behavior this was!

Patience is a virtue and must be applied in generous doses. To others and to self. Here are the reasons why:
Patience takes you out of a place of pride and into a place of humility. When we allow ourselves to indulge in negative self-talk, we are in effect denying the atonement. We are telling God that he can not help us. Patience on the other hand, recognizes the need for help from a source greater than ourselves. It puts us in a place to get on our knees and ask for help with overcoming weakness.
Patience provides a safe environment. When a good friend comes to us and confides in us something terrible they have done, do we assault them with an arsenal of verbal weapons and tell them how horrible they are? Hopefully not, or they probably won’t confide in us much. No, we wrap our arms around them and give them our love, support, and forgiveness. We can not escape ourselves or our own thoughts, so we must learn to figuratively wrap our arms around ourselves.
Patience is a catalyst for change. Without love for others and ourselves, there is no catalyst for true change. Yes, we can guilt ourselves and others into changing temporarily, but it doesn’t last. Lasting change and repentance stems from love and acceptance, not guilt. Can you think of the people in your life who have inspired you the most? Were they mean and hateful? Or were they loving and kind?
Patience is a trait of the Savior. What did Christ do when the adulterous woman was brought before him to be judged? He did not condemn her. He showed compassion. He forgave her. I believe the words, “Go, and sin no more” were more than just a commandment. These words were a vote of confidence in her that she had the ability to change. He didn’t say, “If you don’t change by tomorrow, I will not love you anymore.” Often times, when we make goals for ourselves, and then in weakness slip up or have a set back, we show no mercy. We condemn ourselves to death. The Savior does not do this, instead he says,

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

It can not be repeated too many times. Patience is a virtue. And it can make the difference between being stuck in our old patterns, and repentance. I choose the latter, who is with me?