"Pondering Past, Present, and Our Future Selves"

*I remember staring up at the full moon, it’s light engulfed me in a hazy warmth. It was autumn and the bright red and yellow leaves had begun to fall to the ground. They crunched beneath my feet and I paused to just breath it all in. My eye’s were closed as I stood under the umbrella of night. I felt so small but I also felt the overwhelming feeling that I was right where I should be. The crisp night air filled my lungs with fulfillment and sent me into a cradle of knowing. I knew more than anything in that moment how small I was, and how big the world was. I knew how strong I was, and also how weak. I knew so much about life in that moment.  But most of all I knew without a doubt that everything was as it should be and that I was fully embraced in the present moment.

*Fast-forward a few years and under a still full moon standing as large as the ocean that spanned before me, it embraced me again. This time, I was at the edge of the world, in a land far from home. I had come on this journey knowing that it would be hard and that I would need to stand strong even when I felt like I could crumble. I knew the path I walked was holy ground. I was helping children and families in one of the poorest nations in the world and I wept often at disparages I saw, the heartache was real.

And this time, under that moon that threatened to swallow the whole ocean, I was brought back to the echo of my past life, the one where I had knelt at the feet of my Heavenly Father and Mother and listened to their counsel and wisdom, and basked in their light and love. I had promised I would return having completed my mission and my quest. Like this short journey I now found myself on, I knew when leaving their presence and taking up my body that I would be called on to act, to choose, to stand strong for myself and others. I knew the path I would walk could be made holy ground if I took Christ’s offering and let it sanctify me. I would suffer heartache, but with that great risk, or perhaps guarantee, I was also guaranteed that I could have joy, and peace and love and light. I could have all that the Father has, if I would remain faithful. (“And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father’s kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him.” D&C 84:33-38).

I knew that with Christ as my savior, with Heavenly parents who love and nuture me I could do anything. I had immense trust and faith and dedication, like we all had as we left our heavenly home.

*And now, in this season of my life and as I rock my son in the midnight hours, I sit under that full moon again. It has found me once more and it’s pale light is slipping through his curtained window. I am holding my baby’s hand. His chubby fingers are wrapped around mine and my mind looks to the future: What does my future hold for me, or for him. I think of those times before when I pondered on who I AM, who I am meant to become and who my son really is and who he is meant to become. The majesty of it all often time overcomes me and I am taken away by the beauty of what this life can offer.

So often we forget who we are in this life. We get caught up in the mundane day to day and forget to see the glory of it all. (yes, sometimes, even the glory of the mundane). We forget our passion, our mission, and so we forget our identity.  Who we were and who we still are buried deep down inside. That knowing part of us. The part of us that doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone, that doesn’t second guess themselves. That part of us that knows who we are (past, present and potential future) and why we are here and where we are going. That part that has full confidence to move forward and not look back. That part that committed to this journey and to staying strong and following through with the plan, (our mission specific to us and the Plan of Salvation)

It’s important to do all we can to know who we are, who we were and who we have yet to become in the next life. It’s important to seek Him who sent you. To know that you were created for a purpose, and you have immense potential. We have the power to become like God himself.  3 Nephi 28:10 “And now for this cause ye shall have fullness of joy; and ye shall sit down in the kingdom of my Father; yea, your joy shall be full, even as the Father hath given me fullness of joy; and ye shall be even as I am, and I am even as the Father; and he Father and I are one;”.

Now looking back I know that girl pondering who she was in the present and in the past had a long way to go to get to where I am today. And with that knowledge I am not ignorant to know that I have yet a far way to go still to reach my future. But I take heart in knowing that I am making progress, even if at times it’s at a snails pace. I am moving forward and in that forward motion I am coming closer to who I am and who I’ve always been and closer to my potential of who I was made to be. At the beginning of my healing journey, I stalled for a long time doing the hard work of really changing myself because I would argue how long it will take to actually see progress. But all of that time will pass any way, and I will still have to face that changes must be made.

One of the best ways that I have found to wake up to the truth of who I really am, is to say yes to something that really scares me. No I am not talking about doing something that is outside of God’s law, or even something that puts me in danger. I am talking about the times when you think to yourself- “oh I could never do that”, or “I’m too scared to try it”. Like when someone in your ward finds out you like to sing and asks you to perform a solo in Sacrament meeting. Or even when you feel that sinking feeling because you know you need to get up in front of the congregation and bare your testimony. When you feel like you should go talk to someone, or that you should sign up for that 5k. Little or big, if it’s putting you outside your comfort zone you are waking up to who you are, and closer on the path of finding yourself.

When you have those feelings of doubt and fear, don’t turn and hide, feel your feelings and act anyway. As you start consistently showing up in life to the challenges that speak to you, life and the truth of who you are and the mission you are on will show up too. It is a universal truth just as Jesus taught “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you” (Matthew 7:7)

Remember who you are! You are a child of the Most High! You were made for glory. You have endless potential. Stand strong and fulfill the measure of your creation. Live up to the standard of who you really are. Try to keep the correct perspective, the eternal perspective, to see the truth of who you really are and were and who you have yet to be. As you continue to ask in prayer, seek, and knock, you will find the glorious creation God made you to be and you will find joy and understanding in this life. You will be blessed and bless those around you.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

- Marianne Williamson

Let the moon find you small and vulnerable, and strong and mighty. Breathe in the night air and SAY YES to who you are.