When I Stopped Being Me - Natalia Yates

Saturday morning, my older sister invited me to participate in a Zumba class with her. If you’re not familiar with the term, “Zumba,” it’s a fitness program that combines Latin and international music with dance moves. In this type of class, you move your body in ways that are not part of everyday life. The day after one of these types of workouts, I often hear self-talk like, “I didn’t know I was working out my bum. Who knew that my lower back was getting a workout? Geez, my thighs hurt.” For me, Zumba can be a creative way to exercise your body and forget you’re working out because it’s simple fun.


I used to regularly attend Zumba classes in 2011, but I haven’t dabbled in it since that time. Saturday, I knew I was a little rusty with the dance steps so I glued my eyes to the instructor’s body movements and turned my body into a mirror – manipulating my body to move just like her. After a few songs I realized, “my body just doesn’t move like hers.” I found myself making excuses for not looking like her: Well I just don’t have meat on my bum so I can’t shake the cha-cha like she can…she has more practice than I do, she’s the instructor…and so forth.


A few songs later, and feeling a little more comfortable moving in a “Latin” way, I decided to look myself straight in the mirror as I was doing the steps. I congratulated myself for coming to the class and for doing all of the steps that I could do-today. I acknowledged that I was comfortable making mistakes in class and could still have just as much fun doing them and receive the workout I needed today. I looked closer at the moves I was doing and realized I looked a bit stiff as I was doing them – especially in the torso; my arms and legs were doing all of the moves, but almost “soldier-like,” with no dynamics or flux in emotions. In other words – I was shades of grey with no color or contrast of black and white. “Why?” I wondered. I decided to figuratively look deeper into the symbolism of what my physical actions were telling me. After a few minutes, I realized I was going through the motions, but not the “emotions.” I wasn’t dancing for me; I was dancing to “check the box” or convince myself that “I did it: you exercised.” I thought to myself, “That’s silly.” I continued to dance…the next song that played was a little slower and the motions were easy to convert to memory. I decided to perform an experiment: I’m going to “go all out.” I’m going to make creases and curves in my torso, I’m going to extend my arms as far as they’ll reach. I’m going to move to the way I feel the music, with my own flare. I’m going to move how my body wants to move. The instructor has her flavor and I’m going to enjoy mine.


What happened? I let go. I quit judging if I was doing the movements right or wrong. I released, lived and enjoyed each musical moment and contributed my unique creative energy to the room in the way that I felt them. I opened up to finding myself and losing myself simultaneously. All I had to do is let go of the templates that weren’t serving me well and resonate with the raw woman I am inside, my better and ever-expanding self. The part of me that so desperately desires to expand my unique light.


When the song was over, I was sweating and breathing heavily. I stopped to realize I had a smile on my face. I said to myself, “I enjoy this; I’m happy! Weird.” I had awakened a healthy appetite; I craved to do more. I continued to move in unique ways throughout the class, shaking my “lean-meated bum” in my Natalia way, releasing whatever emotions were trapped there and likewise opened or released trapped emotions in other parts of my body. I enjoyed the remainder of the class movement-to-movement and finished feeling satisfied. I told the instructor at the conclusion, “I really got into it today. I noticed that when I shook my head I said to myself, ‘yep that’s the spot.’”


Saturday afternoon I looked even deeper to the dance experience I had that morning. I asked myself the question, “When did you stop dancing, really dancing for you?” I answered, “When I decided that it wasn’t productive and that my worth comes from getting things done.” “Natalia, you used to do these types of activities because they bring balance to your life, release emotional, physical and spiritual toxins and it’s just plain fun to move like that. It’s part of your nature of lightness, gladness and happiness.”


I then asked, “When did you stop being your true, authentic self?” Answer: “When I allowed others’ opinions and perceptions dictate what an ideal woman should or shouldn’t be.” And what are those false-self perceptions that aren’t serving you well?


A grown-up refined woman is emotionally disciplined when she doesn’t express her emotions in public. Dance is for youth and teenagers. You are only of worth by what and how much you accomplish.


I have released those old perceptions with: A grown-up, refined woman is emotionally disciplined when she is equally open to the input of her emotional mind as well as her logical mind. She is disciplined because she channels each of the emotions healthily and appropriately. Dance is for all ages. You have always been worthy. Dance accomplishes all areas of health and is productive.


Oh wow…when you write it down it really helps you see the perception clearly. No wonder I feel like I’ve been living in a black and white movie for quite some time. I have felt like Dorothy, in the Wizard of Oz – the beginning portion of the movie before she visits Oz. I haven’t been living in color and experiencing life fully with my whole self. I’ve felt disconnected from my authentic self. I haven’t been true to the woman I am, the woman I am here to be. I am trying to be the ideal woman that my physical father and husband describe. Interesting…Their perceptions may be right for them, but completely wrong for me. I’ve checked in with the most important role-model that knows me the best (my maker) and He wants me to continue to grow into my perfect authentic self, accepting and loving the woman I am today and be happy for where I’ve been and where I still need to go; enjoying life each dance move to the next. I am right on time for my experience. He is my dance partner, my bridegroom. I’m not sure if Zumba is His dance of choice, but I know He smiles with me when I need a good emotional shake here and there.


When you’re asked, “who are you?” What is your answer? “I’m a mom,” “I’m a lawyer.” “I live in Oregon.” Often the answer is not who you are, but what you do or how you see your function in life. You can’t answer who you are, because maybe you don’t know or remember. The authentic self is the “you” that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not defined by your job or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do. When you’re not living faithfully to your authentic self, you find yourself feeling incomplete, as if there is a hold in your soul. You may have found that it’s easier to fill the roles your family and friends expect of you, rather than becoming who you really want to be. Living this way drains you of the critical life energy you need to pursue the things you truly value. When you live a life that has you ignoring your true gifts and talents while performing assigned or inherited roles instead, you are living as your fictional self. The fictional self sends you false information about who you are and what you should be doing with your life. It blocks the information you need in order to maintain the connection with your authentic identity. Relying on information from the fictional self means you’re putting your trust in a broken compass.


It would be too easy to blame my father or husband for these false-perceptions. I am not a victim to their perceptions. They are merely the vehicle in which I chose to deliver the message to myself. I need to take responsibility. I take full responsibility for the life I’ve created for myself. I hold the reins. I need to trust my inner voice and listen less to the outer voices telling me what I should or shouldn’t be, what I should or shouldn’t do. I no longer try to justify and rationalize my most heartfelt desires. Denying them is denying me.


No one needs to understand why you want what you want. You don’t always have to understand it yourself. Just trust it, and trust yourself to manifest it. The reason you don’t already have what you want is crazy simple. You don’t love yourself enough to deeply believe that you are worthy of all your heart’s desires. You might even believe on a conscious level, that you do deserve or are worthy a certain thing, but I promise you that if you were fully, wholly believing you are worthy of it – even in the cobwebby corners of your unconscious belief system – it would already be in your life. (While considering and respecting the perfect timing and Will of the Master Creator of our Universe)


I dare you to take responsibility. Own every last drop of everything you’ve created. Stop tolerating because tolerating is slow emotional suicide. Release and let go. Step out of the spin cycle; living your life on autopilot creating and/or controlling the same situation for yourself over and over again in unhealthy spirals. Recognize false-perceptions and beliefs, recreate them and create your much-needed paradigm shift. Dream loudly and live passionately.






“You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha


“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.” -Judy Garland


“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh


“When you are truly comfortable in your own skin. Not everyone will like you, but you won’t care one bit about it.


Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you.” ~Dr. Suess


You were created in God’s image. God makes no mistakes. To put yourself down for the way you are is to insult God’s handiwork. You are beautiful.


There is only one you and that makes you valuable.


A tiger doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

Patience Is a Virtue

I grew up with the term “patience is a virtue.”

I don’t know where I got it or who told it to me growing up but I remember having this conversation with myself many times. At times when I was offended by someone, or someone made a mistake that I knew I needed to forgive I would tell myself in my head, “Patience is a virtue.”

However, in my pride, whenever I was offended by my self or I made a mistake there was no such conversation in my head. My self-talk went something like this, “What is wrong with me? I am unforgivable. I can’t believe I did that. If anyone knew the truth about me, they would hate me. I hate myself.” There were many more sayings that I repeated in my head over and over and over again, but you get the idea. I was usually willing to give others the benefit of the doubt, but not myself. What self-defeating behavior this was!

Patience is a virtue and must be applied in generous doses. To others and to self. Here are the reasons why:
Patience takes you out of a place of pride and into a place of humility. When we allow ourselves to indulge in negative self-talk, we are in effect denying the atonement. We are telling God that he can not help us. Patience on the other hand, recognizes the need for help from a source greater than ourselves. It puts us in a place to get on our knees and ask for help with overcoming weakness.
Patience provides a safe environment. When a good friend comes to us and confides in us something terrible they have done, do we assault them with an arsenal of verbal weapons and tell them how horrible they are? Hopefully not, or they probably won’t confide in us much. No, we wrap our arms around them and give them our love, support, and forgiveness. We can not escape ourselves or our own thoughts, so we must learn to figuratively wrap our arms around ourselves.
Patience is a catalyst for change. Without love for others and ourselves, there is no catalyst for true change. Yes, we can guilt ourselves and others into changing temporarily, but it doesn’t last. Lasting change and repentance stems from love and acceptance, not guilt. Can you think of the people in your life who have inspired you the most? Were they mean and hateful? Or were they loving and kind?
Patience is a trait of the Savior. What did Christ do when the adulterous woman was brought before him to be judged? He did not condemn her. He showed compassion. He forgave her. I believe the words, “Go, and sin no more” were more than just a commandment. These words were a vote of confidence in her that she had the ability to change. He didn’t say, “If you don’t change by tomorrow, I will not love you anymore.” Often times, when we make goals for ourselves, and then in weakness slip up or have a set back, we show no mercy. We condemn ourselves to death. The Savior does not do this, instead he says,

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

It can not be repeated too many times. Patience is a virtue. And it can make the difference between being stuck in our old patterns, and repentance. I choose the latter, who is with me?