When I Stopped Being Me - Natalia Yates

Saturday morning, my older sister invited me to participate in a Zumba class with her. If you’re not familiar with the term, “Zumba,” it’s a fitness program that combines Latin and international music with dance moves. In this type of class, you move your body in ways that are not part of everyday life. The day after one of these types of workouts, I often hear self-talk like, “I didn’t know I was working out my bum. Who knew that my lower back was getting a workout? Geez, my thighs hurt.” For me, Zumba can be a creative way to exercise your body and forget you’re working out because it’s simple fun.


I used to regularly attend Zumba classes in 2011, but I haven’t dabbled in it since that time. Saturday, I knew I was a little rusty with the dance steps so I glued my eyes to the instructor’s body movements and turned my body into a mirror – manipulating my body to move just like her. After a few songs I realized, “my body just doesn’t move like hers.” I found myself making excuses for not looking like her: Well I just don’t have meat on my bum so I can’t shake the cha-cha like she can…she has more practice than I do, she’s the instructor…and so forth.


A few songs later, and feeling a little more comfortable moving in a “Latin” way, I decided to look myself straight in the mirror as I was doing the steps. I congratulated myself for coming to the class and for doing all of the steps that I could do-today. I acknowledged that I was comfortable making mistakes in class and could still have just as much fun doing them and receive the workout I needed today. I looked closer at the moves I was doing and realized I looked a bit stiff as I was doing them – especially in the torso; my arms and legs were doing all of the moves, but almost “soldier-like,” with no dynamics or flux in emotions. In other words – I was shades of grey with no color or contrast of black and white. “Why?” I wondered. I decided to figuratively look deeper into the symbolism of what my physical actions were telling me. After a few minutes, I realized I was going through the motions, but not the “emotions.” I wasn’t dancing for me; I was dancing to “check the box” or convince myself that “I did it: you exercised.” I thought to myself, “That’s silly.” I continued to dance…the next song that played was a little slower and the motions were easy to convert to memory. I decided to perform an experiment: I’m going to “go all out.” I’m going to make creases and curves in my torso, I’m going to extend my arms as far as they’ll reach. I’m going to move to the way I feel the music, with my own flare. I’m going to move how my body wants to move. The instructor has her flavor and I’m going to enjoy mine.


What happened? I let go. I quit judging if I was doing the movements right or wrong. I released, lived and enjoyed each musical moment and contributed my unique creative energy to the room in the way that I felt them. I opened up to finding myself and losing myself simultaneously. All I had to do is let go of the templates that weren’t serving me well and resonate with the raw woman I am inside, my better and ever-expanding self. The part of me that so desperately desires to expand my unique light.


When the song was over, I was sweating and breathing heavily. I stopped to realize I had a smile on my face. I said to myself, “I enjoy this; I’m happy! Weird.” I had awakened a healthy appetite; I craved to do more. I continued to move in unique ways throughout the class, shaking my “lean-meated bum” in my Natalia way, releasing whatever emotions were trapped there and likewise opened or released trapped emotions in other parts of my body. I enjoyed the remainder of the class movement-to-movement and finished feeling satisfied. I told the instructor at the conclusion, “I really got into it today. I noticed that when I shook my head I said to myself, ‘yep that’s the spot.’”


Saturday afternoon I looked even deeper to the dance experience I had that morning. I asked myself the question, “When did you stop dancing, really dancing for you?” I answered, “When I decided that it wasn’t productive and that my worth comes from getting things done.” “Natalia, you used to do these types of activities because they bring balance to your life, release emotional, physical and spiritual toxins and it’s just plain fun to move like that. It’s part of your nature of lightness, gladness and happiness.”


I then asked, “When did you stop being your true, authentic self?” Answer: “When I allowed others’ opinions and perceptions dictate what an ideal woman should or shouldn’t be.” And what are those false-self perceptions that aren’t serving you well?


A grown-up refined woman is emotionally disciplined when she doesn’t express her emotions in public. Dance is for youth and teenagers. You are only of worth by what and how much you accomplish.


I have released those old perceptions with: A grown-up, refined woman is emotionally disciplined when she is equally open to the input of her emotional mind as well as her logical mind. She is disciplined because she channels each of the emotions healthily and appropriately. Dance is for all ages. You have always been worthy. Dance accomplishes all areas of health and is productive.


Oh wow…when you write it down it really helps you see the perception clearly. No wonder I feel like I’ve been living in a black and white movie for quite some time. I have felt like Dorothy, in the Wizard of Oz – the beginning portion of the movie before she visits Oz. I haven’t been living in color and experiencing life fully with my whole self. I’ve felt disconnected from my authentic self. I haven’t been true to the woman I am, the woman I am here to be. I am trying to be the ideal woman that my physical father and husband describe. Interesting…Their perceptions may be right for them, but completely wrong for me. I’ve checked in with the most important role-model that knows me the best (my maker) and He wants me to continue to grow into my perfect authentic self, accepting and loving the woman I am today and be happy for where I’ve been and where I still need to go; enjoying life each dance move to the next. I am right on time for my experience. He is my dance partner, my bridegroom. I’m not sure if Zumba is His dance of choice, but I know He smiles with me when I need a good emotional shake here and there.


When you’re asked, “who are you?” What is your answer? “I’m a mom,” “I’m a lawyer.” “I live in Oregon.” Often the answer is not who you are, but what you do or how you see your function in life. You can’t answer who you are, because maybe you don’t know or remember. The authentic self is the “you” that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not defined by your job or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do. When you’re not living faithfully to your authentic self, you find yourself feeling incomplete, as if there is a hold in your soul. You may have found that it’s easier to fill the roles your family and friends expect of you, rather than becoming who you really want to be. Living this way drains you of the critical life energy you need to pursue the things you truly value. When you live a life that has you ignoring your true gifts and talents while performing assigned or inherited roles instead, you are living as your fictional self. The fictional self sends you false information about who you are and what you should be doing with your life. It blocks the information you need in order to maintain the connection with your authentic identity. Relying on information from the fictional self means you’re putting your trust in a broken compass.


It would be too easy to blame my father or husband for these false-perceptions. I am not a victim to their perceptions. They are merely the vehicle in which I chose to deliver the message to myself. I need to take responsibility. I take full responsibility for the life I’ve created for myself. I hold the reins. I need to trust my inner voice and listen less to the outer voices telling me what I should or shouldn’t be, what I should or shouldn’t do. I no longer try to justify and rationalize my most heartfelt desires. Denying them is denying me.


No one needs to understand why you want what you want. You don’t always have to understand it yourself. Just trust it, and trust yourself to manifest it. The reason you don’t already have what you want is crazy simple. You don’t love yourself enough to deeply believe that you are worthy of all your heart’s desires. You might even believe on a conscious level, that you do deserve or are worthy a certain thing, but I promise you that if you were fully, wholly believing you are worthy of it – even in the cobwebby corners of your unconscious belief system – it would already be in your life. (While considering and respecting the perfect timing and Will of the Master Creator of our Universe)


I dare you to take responsibility. Own every last drop of everything you’ve created. Stop tolerating because tolerating is slow emotional suicide. Release and let go. Step out of the spin cycle; living your life on autopilot creating and/or controlling the same situation for yourself over and over again in unhealthy spirals. Recognize false-perceptions and beliefs, recreate them and create your much-needed paradigm shift. Dream loudly and live passionately.






“You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha


“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.” -Judy Garland


“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh


“When you are truly comfortable in your own skin. Not everyone will like you, but you won’t care one bit about it.


Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you.” ~Dr. Suess


You were created in God’s image. God makes no mistakes. To put yourself down for the way you are is to insult God’s handiwork. You are beautiful.


There is only one you and that makes you valuable.


A tiger doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

"Pondering Past, Present, and Our Future Selves"

*I remember staring up at the full moon, it’s light engulfed me in a hazy warmth. It was autumn and the bright red and yellow leaves had begun to fall to the ground. They crunched beneath my feet and I paused to just breath it all in. My eye’s were closed as I stood under the umbrella of night. I felt so small but I also felt the overwhelming feeling that I was right where I should be. The crisp night air filled my lungs with fulfillment and sent me into a cradle of knowing. I knew more than anything in that moment how small I was, and how big the world was. I knew how strong I was, and also how weak. I knew so much about life in that moment.  But most of all I knew without a doubt that everything was as it should be and that I was fully embraced in the present moment.

*Fast-forward a few years and under a still full moon standing as large as the ocean that spanned before me, it embraced me again. This time, I was at the edge of the world, in a land far from home. I had come on this journey knowing that it would be hard and that I would need to stand strong even when I felt like I could crumble. I knew the path I walked was holy ground. I was helping children and families in one of the poorest nations in the world and I wept often at disparages I saw, the heartache was real.

And this time, under that moon that threatened to swallow the whole ocean, I was brought back to the echo of my past life, the one where I had knelt at the feet of my Heavenly Father and Mother and listened to their counsel and wisdom, and basked in their light and love. I had promised I would return having completed my mission and my quest. Like this short journey I now found myself on, I knew when leaving their presence and taking up my body that I would be called on to act, to choose, to stand strong for myself and others. I knew the path I would walk could be made holy ground if I took Christ’s offering and let it sanctify me. I would suffer heartache, but with that great risk, or perhaps guarantee, I was also guaranteed that I could have joy, and peace and love and light. I could have all that the Father has, if I would remain faithful. (“And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father’s kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him.” D&C 84:33-38).

I knew that with Christ as my savior, with Heavenly parents who love and nuture me I could do anything. I had immense trust and faith and dedication, like we all had as we left our heavenly home.

*And now, in this season of my life and as I rock my son in the midnight hours, I sit under that full moon again. It has found me once more and it’s pale light is slipping through his curtained window. I am holding my baby’s hand. His chubby fingers are wrapped around mine and my mind looks to the future: What does my future hold for me, or for him. I think of those times before when I pondered on who I AM, who I am meant to become and who my son really is and who he is meant to become. The majesty of it all often time overcomes me and I am taken away by the beauty of what this life can offer.

So often we forget who we are in this life. We get caught up in the mundane day to day and forget to see the glory of it all. (yes, sometimes, even the glory of the mundane). We forget our passion, our mission, and so we forget our identity.  Who we were and who we still are buried deep down inside. That knowing part of us. The part of us that doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone, that doesn’t second guess themselves. That part of us that knows who we are (past, present and potential future) and why we are here and where we are going. That part that has full confidence to move forward and not look back. That part that committed to this journey and to staying strong and following through with the plan, (our mission specific to us and the Plan of Salvation)

It’s important to do all we can to know who we are, who we were and who we have yet to become in the next life. It’s important to seek Him who sent you. To know that you were created for a purpose, and you have immense potential. We have the power to become like God himself.  3 Nephi 28:10 “And now for this cause ye shall have fullness of joy; and ye shall sit down in the kingdom of my Father; yea, your joy shall be full, even as the Father hath given me fullness of joy; and ye shall be even as I am, and I am even as the Father; and he Father and I are one;”.

Now looking back I know that girl pondering who she was in the present and in the past had a long way to go to get to where I am today. And with that knowledge I am not ignorant to know that I have yet a far way to go still to reach my future. But I take heart in knowing that I am making progress, even if at times it’s at a snails pace. I am moving forward and in that forward motion I am coming closer to who I am and who I’ve always been and closer to my potential of who I was made to be. At the beginning of my healing journey, I stalled for a long time doing the hard work of really changing myself because I would argue how long it will take to actually see progress. But all of that time will pass any way, and I will still have to face that changes must be made.

One of the best ways that I have found to wake up to the truth of who I really am, is to say yes to something that really scares me. No I am not talking about doing something that is outside of God’s law, or even something that puts me in danger. I am talking about the times when you think to yourself- “oh I could never do that”, or “I’m too scared to try it”. Like when someone in your ward finds out you like to sing and asks you to perform a solo in Sacrament meeting. Or even when you feel that sinking feeling because you know you need to get up in front of the congregation and bare your testimony. When you feel like you should go talk to someone, or that you should sign up for that 5k. Little or big, if it’s putting you outside your comfort zone you are waking up to who you are, and closer on the path of finding yourself.

When you have those feelings of doubt and fear, don’t turn and hide, feel your feelings and act anyway. As you start consistently showing up in life to the challenges that speak to you, life and the truth of who you are and the mission you are on will show up too. It is a universal truth just as Jesus taught “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you” (Matthew 7:7)

Remember who you are! You are a child of the Most High! You were made for glory. You have endless potential. Stand strong and fulfill the measure of your creation. Live up to the standard of who you really are. Try to keep the correct perspective, the eternal perspective, to see the truth of who you really are and were and who you have yet to be. As you continue to ask in prayer, seek, and knock, you will find the glorious creation God made you to be and you will find joy and understanding in this life. You will be blessed and bless those around you.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

- Marianne Williamson

Let the moon find you small and vulnerable, and strong and mighty. Breathe in the night air and SAY YES to who you are.